The Christmas Tree
by carlycarter
Summary: A short Christmas story about Bo and Kenzi (In progress).
1. Chapter 1

I don't own anything.

It took me a very long time to warm to this show and the characters, and I think I only really did because I don't see them quite the way they actually are. So I apologise if this isn't the kind of story people like to read, or if it's not the exact characters that are from the show. I find Kenzi and Bo incredibly frustrating but I can't help but love them. My other Lost Girl story is written to explore all the things that drive me nuts about Bo. So this story is my attempt to be nice to her and find things I love about her. Kenzi drives me nuts too sometimes, but I find it harder to hate her for it, not sure why. Anyway this is just my twisted interpretation of the characters, and singling out certain aspects of the characters that I would have liked to see more of. I know the whole point of the show is that Bo is so special and needs to save the world, but it really annoys me that she's so busy doing that so I don't like to focus on it in the story.

I wrote this for my special friend Sarah J as a Christmas Present, (which I may finish by next Christmas!), because of all the fun times we have talking about Bo and Kenzi. I hope she likes it, even if it isn't exactly accurate in terms of characters and setting. I hope other people will enjoy it too, but if not, I still had a lot of fun writing it and throwing ideas around and exploring the characters in a way that might not be true to the show. I hope you enjoy. Thanks for reading.

 _ **Part One**_  
 _ **The Christmas Tree**_

It was the last thing Kenzi had been expecting, as she stumbled into the kitchen, her eyes still half closed, desperately seeking coffee.

She stopped still when the thing caught her eye. She blinked painfully several times at this shiny glistening intruder in her living room. She opened her mouth to say something, no words came out. She examined it, looking up and down, involuntarily taking a step back as if it was going to bite her.

As if Bo read her mind she called out playfully from the kitchen table. "It's not going to bite you."

"What the hell is that?" Kenzi managed to ask, unable to hide the disdain in her voice. It was a rhetorical question- she could see what it was. What she meant was- What the hell is it doing in our house"

"It's our Christmas tree." Bo told her, with a glint in her eyes, looking rather pleased with herself.

The very words "Christmas Tree" sliced through Kenzi's heart, as memories she long ago pushed away began to surface. The tiny little tree she had loved so much when she was only six years old, because it reminded her of herself. It was a scrawny little tree, nothing special, the last tree anyone would want. But she wanted it. To her it was the most special tree in the world, because it was hers, the first Christmas tree she had ever had. And the last. She never forgot the gleam in her step fathers eye as he picked up her poor little tree in one hand and threw it to the ground. She had spent hours making paper chain decorations for that tree, and within seconds he had torn them to pieces with such glee. The way she had been filed with rage, more rage than she ever knew she could feel, and clenched her little fists, punching into her step father as if she had a hope of hurting him. And the way he had picked her up, by the hair, swinging her round just like that little tree. Sometimes, in the dark of night, she could swear she could still feel the spot on her head burning with pain, as if it would never heal. The way her mother stood there, laughing. It was just a dumb tree, but she had wept for that tree later that night when everyone was asleep. She had cried and cried for that poor little unloved tree.

This was far from her worst Christmas memory, it was merely the one that sprang to her mind when she saw that monstrosity in her living room. It made her feel like she was a child again. Like she was powerless and unloved. It made her feel like she had no control. Like all of those other memories she worked so hard to push away were about to come to the surface, threatening to suffocate her, to transport her back to a time and place she never wanted to re visit.

That's probably why there was disproportionate anger in her voice when she looked coldly in Bo's direction and said. "Get that thing out of here!"

As the angry words came tumbling out she realised it was an exact echo of what her step father had said, when he came home and saw her little tree, with the paper chains so lovingly and carefully twisted around. That made her feel sick, to realise- she had turned out just like him.

Why would Bo do this to her? Why would Bo bring that stupid thing here? Since when had they decorated for Christmas? Last Christmas they had stayed home, just the two of them, watching movies, eating popcorn, and making fun of all those other people running around like crazy, as if Christmas was some kind of magical day. Those stupid people acting like it was the end of the world if they didn't get the trendiest toy for their kid, if their roast turkey wasn't cooked properly. Telling their kids lies about a creepy fat only man coming into their houses when they were sleeping, and the even more ridiculous story of some baby born thousands of years ago who was supposedly going to save the world. Bo was never even the slightest bit excited about Christmas.

They had never even exchanged gifts. It was Bo who said it- "We already know that we are family, we don't need to exchange gifts on some day of the year that other people decide is so special, no one even really knows why they are celebrating, it's all so commercialised and ridiculous." And Kenzi wholeheartedly agreed. She didn't need a gift to know Bo loved her, and she was very happy to let Christmas slide by unrecognised, and to keep all those bad memories deeply buried.

So why now does Bo feel the sudden need for a stupid tree? Why is she looking at it with such joy? Why is she looking at Kenzi with such disappointment at her less than joyful attitude? As if Kenzi is the one ruining her day and not the other way round!

"This is Lauren's doing isn't it?" Kenzi said darkly. "Of course it is. After all every second sentence out of your mouth lately is 'Lauren said this, Lauren said that.' It's disgusting, by the way. Just because you're having sex with her you don't need to let her brainwash you."

"She hasn't brainwashed me, this is nothing to do with Lauren!" Bo said defensively.

"Must be Lauren, because the fae don't celebrate Christmas, and its not like you associate with any other lowly humans." Kenzi retorted bitterly. "So if Lauren wants to get all soppy about Christmas she can keep it in her own damn apartment and out of my face!" Kenzi hadn't wanted to show the depth of her painful rage, but she couldn't hold it back.

Bo looked a little taken aback, maybe even a little hurt. "It's just a tree, it's not hurting anyone. And for your information I am capable of leading my own life and making my own decision. This has nothing to do with Lauren." If Bo was angry at being accused of letting Lauren brainwash her into this sudden Christmas spirit, she doesn't let it show. Her whole demenour seems a little too happy, too magnanimous. It was not right at all. The words should have been shouted back angrily, not delivered so gently and nicely. "And you know I have never thought of you or Lauren as a 'lowly' human, why would you even say that to me?"

Kenzi said nothing, looking away. There was so much anger rising in her, and she tried to squash it down. Bo didn't deserve it. She hadn't done this just to bring up bad memories. And she could see it now, so clearly, the hurt in Bo's eyes. It was true Bo never treated her as less for being human. It wasn't a fair comment to make. But Kenzi was desperately trying to distract herself from the depth of her memories.

What Kenzi needed was a fight, Bo to yell something about the tree staying and Kenzi could yell something back like- well it's the tree or me, and walk out the door. Then it would all be resolved nice and clean. She had got out of more than a few uncomfortable conversations that way, counting on the fact Bo was so caught up in her own problems, or her own anger, to look deeper.

But Bo wasn't biting. Not today. She only softened her tone further, if that was even possible, and took a step closer. If Kenzi wasn't already backed against the wall she would have pulled away. But there was nowhere to go, the wall at her back, Bo at her side, and that hideous thing backing her escape route to the door.

"I just thought it would be nice." Bo began, in such a soft and caring tone. How could Kenzi be angry with her when she was standing there looking at her with such love in her eyes, when she was being so nice. When she was standing so close, and any moment now Kenzi just knew Bo was going to pull her into a tight embrace.

Something about that frightened Kenzi this time. Normally she felt safe in Bo's arms, loved and secure and safe. But this time it terrified her. This time she wasn't going to let it happen.

"Well, it's not nice! It's a piece of junk! I can't believe you did this without even talking to me! Get rid of it!" Kenzi yelled at her. She tried to make herself sound angry, but it wasn't easy with the tears forming in her eyes, and they way her voice trembled. Desperate not to meet Bo's eyes, Kenzi cast her gaze around the room. That's when she noticed the other decorations strewn around the whole house! Tinsel and ridiculous pictures of santa and snowmen and reindeer.

"I know it's a bit cheesy." Bo admitted. "Just last year was so depressing. And I thought…"

"Of course it was." Kenzi acknowledged bitterly. "Last year you didn't have anyone but me, your little human pet. And now you have dozens of more important people to celebrate with."

"Oh Kenzi, you know I didn't mean it like that." It was the sincerity in Bo's voice that breaks Kenzi's heart. She felt so torn. On the one hand she wanted to believe that it was real, the tender way Bo spoke to her, she wanted to believe Bo loved her, and that it was enough to drive all the bad things away. But on the other hand, she couldn't afford to let herself. Bo just admitted it was "depressing" spending Christmas with her last year. She obviously wanted and needed more. Maybe Kenzi didn't know her at all, or what she needed or wanted. Maybe Bo always just deserved more than Kenzi could give.

"I just meant it was like any other day, we didn't do anything special. And now things are so settled, and we have so many people around us, I just thought it would be nice to celebrate, we could have a party, I know no one really celebrates Christmas, but really it's just an excuse to get together and be grateful for what we have, and you know some of the Christmas traditions they are kind of fun. And any excuse for a party right? Bo asked hopefully. Her words didn't really flow off her tongue in the way they usually do. It wasn't often that Bo was lost for words, that she was afraid of saying the wrong thing, but this was one of those rare times where Bo really didn't know what to say. She only looked to Kenzi hopefully in the silent moments that ticked by.

There had been so much joy in Bo's eyes as she looked around the stupid Christmas decorations, as she talked about the people in her life, as she talked about Christmas, and this stupid party she wanted to have. It occurred to Kenzi only then, that Bo's life had been very different to her own. Sure in between there had been years on the run with nothing to celebrate and no one to celebrate with. But before that, before Bo grew up and realised she had these deadly powers, Bo had been a normal kid from a normal family, with happy Christmas tradition memories that she wanted to share with her new family. Probably the kind of kid whose parents wrapped up presents under the tree, sang Christmas carols, left huge stockings from santa, had parties with friends and relatives and good food, and so much love and happiness. And Kenzi is happy for Bo, that Bo had that kind of life. What kind of a person would she be if she wasn't? But it made her feel disconnected, made her feel that she never really knew Bo, that Bo never knew her. That everything between then had been based on this misconception that they both came from a terrible place.

Kenzi didn't understand why, but this revelation that deep down Bo is one of those people who finds joy in Christmas, it really cut her deeply. And filled her with fear, that if Bo every found out the real person Kenzi was, the things she had done in her past, she would be so horrified. Things would never be the same, and she would lose Bo forever.

As Kenzi finally brings herself to look into Bo's sad eyes, those eyes that moments ago had been filled with such child like joy, Kenzi feels the guilt rising up. She knows she is being selfish. Just because her childhood memories of Christmas suck it's no reason to bring Bo down. If anyone else had hurt Bo in the way that Kenzi just had, Kenzi would kill them. How did things get so messed up that she is the one causing Bo pain? That she is the reason the light of Joy was extinguished from Bo's eyes?

The guilt was soul crushing. But rather than calm her anger, this guilt only made Kenzi feel more enraged. It made her feel so sick inside, like her stomach was tied in knots. And the only thing that seemed to alleviate it was being a total bitch.

"Don't you think you should have consulted me before you turned our place into santa's workshop? I do live her too you know! I suppose I should be used to being just a insignificant human pet, whose opinion doesn't matter." It made her feel so much better to be filled with righteous indignation.

Bo's face fell, and for just a moment Kenzi wanted to take it all back and throw herself in Bo's arms and put that joyful smile back on her face. But it was too late. The words were spoken. And this time she said them with such malice. Not in the self pitying almost joking kind of way she said them earlier. This time was so filled with hatred and rage.

And she could see Bo's eyes fill with tears instantly.

"Kenzi, you're not my pet, I've never treated you like a pet. I don't know why you are saying this to me. What is going on? Just talk to me?" Bo pleaded.

It's true, Kenzi acknowledged. Bo had never treated her as a pet. And the pain in Bo's voice is almost enough to make her stop. But Bo was standing so close. Any minute now Kenzi would break down in tears, and Bo would hug her, and it was all too much. She didn't want Bo near her, didn't want Bo near those memories of her past, they were supposed to be long buried, damn Bo and that stupid tree.

Those things that happened, the things Kenzi had done in the past, that was a different person to the one Bo knew, a different life time. It wasn't something she could ever let Bo get near.

All of a sudden it occurred to Kenzi that Bo is standing so close to her, all she had to do was reach over, and in a second she could use her fae powers. Then Kenzi would have no choice in any of it. Bo could ask her anything, make her tell all those horrible memories that she so desperately tried to keep buried. She would find out all kinds of things that Kenzi never wanted her to know. She would never want to look at Kenzi again after that.

Kenzi knew, one way or another, things were over now, things had gone past a point they can ever be redeemed. But better that Bo think she was just being a stupid childish brat and walked out on her, much better than knowing the truth of the things that are haunting her. There's was only one way out of this.

Kenzi took a breath, because it wasn't going to be easy. Not easy at all to push hard enough to make Bo leave her alone. It was gonna hurt the both of them. But it had to be done.

Kenzi shook her head slowly as she looked one last time at that tree. It was a pretty tree, she admitted, with decorations and tinsel and lights. Bo had probably spent a lot of time on it, probably hoped Kenzi would come down and admire all her hard work.

"The thing is…" Kenzi began slowly, keeping her voice calm and even.

"Tell me." Bo encouraged her to go on, as she reached out to grab Kenzi's hands.

Kenzi wanted to pull away. Everything in her wanted to pull away from Bo's touch.

No that isn't true, because part of her wanted to fall into Bo's arms and cry and not have to say anything. Just put this all behind them and make things ok, like Bo always managed to do.

Kenzi is afraid, though, if she doesn't at least appear to be co operating, then Bo will just use her powers and make her do and say whatever Bo wanted.

Bo had never done this before, used her powers. Nor given any indication she would ever abuse their friendship in that way. But Kenzi knew Bo wasn't going to take it well. So she made no move to pull away as Bo took her hands, gently stroking them. It was almost too much. The way Bo looked at her. The way she held her hands so tenderly. The unspoken promise between them that they would always be there for each other- no matter what.

Kenzi had to stop for a moment, and summon all the darkness inside her. To fill herself with anger and fear. To remind herself this is the best thing for Bo. It might hurt her for a moment, but then she would go back to being that happy joy-filled person who likes to put up Christmas trees and throw parties and exchange presents with all those other happy people in her life. It would be for the best.

"You always told me that you wanted me to be happy." Kenzi began hesitantly.

"Of course I do." Bo agreed , a tinge of fear in her voice, as if she knew where this was going to end.

"I just don't want to be part of this anymore." Kenzi said resolutely, unable to look Bo in the eye, not wanting to see. If it hurt Bo, that would break her resolve, she wouldn't be able to do it. But if it didn't hurt? If Bo was relieved, well that would hurt in a whole different way. So she looked to the ground careful not to lift her gaze.

"Ok I'll get rid of the tree, and we don't have to have a party." Bo said hastily.

"It's not about that." Kenzi interrupted. "I don't belong here."

"Kenzi you do! You're my best friend, I would be lost without you, why are you saying this all of a sudden, what happened?" Bo wanted to know.

"It's not sudden. I've wanted to tell you for a long time, I didn't know how. I'm sick of all this fae shit. I just want a normal life, is that too much to ask? It's time I made me own life, not live on the sidelines of yours." Kenzi was proud of the way she had said it so calmly.

"You're not on the sidelines, you're my heart Kenzi, the most important person in my life. I understand, things have been crazy lately, I'm sorry. We can go away, someplace away from all this." Bo said frantically.

It broke Kenzi's heart to hear the desperation, to hear how badly she wanted Keni to stay, to hear how much she was loved. For a moment she wanted to take it all back. But she can't. She can't.

"You don't listen!" Kenzi yelled, trying hard to keep the anger in her voice, trying hard not to burst into tears. "You never listen to what anyone else wants! You always act like you care about everyone else, but you don't. All you care about is what you need, what you want, and you wonder why I don't want to be part of this anymore!"

"Kenzi, please." Bo begged through tears. "Tell me why you're so angry, tell me what I've done, I'll fix it. I don't understand."

"You never will." Kenzi said icily. "You're not capable of looking outside yourself. I'm trying to tell you that I need to get away from here, from you. I need to go live my own life. I don't want to be here with you anymore. You're so used to having control over everyone in your life. You think because you have powers you can make people do whatever you want."

"That's not true." Bo insisted.

"It is! You know I can't stop you, all you have to do is use your powers on me, tell me to stay, tell me that I have to stay here and be your grateful pet forever and there would be nothing I could do about it, but you can't make me love you, you can't make me want to be with you!" Kenzi shouted angrily. There was so much anger inside her, she hadn't realised it was there. And for a moment she wants to stop, because it isn't fair to let all this anger out on Bo. But she reminded herself it had to be done. It was for the best.

"I would never make you do something you didn't want, I want you to be happy Kenzi, I thought you were happy." Bo insisted.

"YOU were happy Bo, thats all you care about. If you want me to be happy , If you really care about me and what I want and need, then why are you trying to stop me doing what I want to do?" Kenzi asked.

"Ok." Bo said finally, dejectedly. "If that's what you want, I won't stand in your way. But you don't even have anywhere to go, why don't you just think about it, we can talk more about it tonight? There's no need to rush into anything."

"You think I have nowhere to go? Just because you look at me like a pathetic human pet that no body wants? you think I can't survive on my own? I did perfectly fine before I met you. In fact my life was a lot better! I don't need to talk about anything or think about anything. I don't need to spend one more minute here. I'll just send for my things later." Kenzi said calmly.

For a moment Bo just stood, looking at her. As if she was waiting for Kenzi to say it was all a joke, all a mistake. As if this couldn't possibly be happening.

"Kenzi, don't leave like this, I don't want it to be like this. If you want to go…." Her voice trails off. "Just don't leave like this when you're so angry, I can't stand it if you left like this. You're not even going to hug me goodbye, or tell me where you're going ? Are you ever going to call or keep in touch?" Bo reached out to grab Kenzi's arm, and spin her around.

"Don't make this harder than it has to be." Kenzi pleaded softly.

But Bo wouldn't let go, she wasn't going to just let go. Kenzi knew it all along. After looking to the ground for a few moments, then taking a deep breath, Kenzi yanked her arm away violently. "I'm so sick of everything being about you!" She screamed. With her now free hand she reached over pulling the immaculate Christmas tree over, so it lay as a barrier between the two of them, tinsel strewn all over the floor, glass ornaments shattered into tiny shards, dirt from the base of the tree spilled out all over the floor. That's what Kenzi saw as she backed away, quickly, heading for the door. She told herself not to look back, there wasn't time. Just go while you have the chance.

She did look back though, for just a second.

She needn't have worried Bo would follow her, that Bo would tackle her to the ground, that Bo would chase after her and use her powers to make Kenzi come back, to make her explain what was going on. She didn't have to worry about any of that. Because Bo was just standing there, all the colour drained from her face, tears falling from her eyes. She wasn't angry, she didn't even really look sad or hurt. She just looked shocked. Too shocked to say anything, too shocked to move.

So Kenzi turned away, and kept running. She tried to put it all out of her mind, she had a new life now. Bo wasn't part of it. So what? She lived before Bo, she survived, she would do it again. Not a big deal.

She couldn't stop shaking though, and she was angry that she couldn't control herself better. She couldn't stop the tears stinging her eyes. And she couldn't shake the image from her head, the look in Bo's eyes as the tree came crashing to the ground. She couldn't breathe. She knew she couldn't stop. There wasn't time. She had to get away. But she really couldn't breathe.

She had seen the car, keys still in the ignition, because Bo did stupid things like that. It;s a wonder the thing hadn't been stolen. But as Bo said, who would want it? She knew it was a stupid idea, after all the whole point was to get away from Bo, not take her car for a joyride.

But she heard it then, Bo calling to her. Calling out her name. In the way only Bo could. Her name always sounded different from Bo's lips than anyone elses. It sounded sweeter, more beloved. And part of her wanted to turn around. How could she not? How could she really do this? It all happened so fast.

But she was too filled with panic, with fear and rage and pain, there was no way she could turn back. There is no way she could out run Bo on foot. So she jumped in the car, turning the key. She felt like a reckless teenager, a stupid kid. She supposed that was all she had ever been really, it was just a pretense she was something more.

She told herself not to look in the rear view mirror, she didn't want another haunting image of Bo's broken eyes to torment her, so she fixed her gaze ahead, and slammed her foot on the accelerator.

The hardest part is over, she kept telling herself. You're free now Kenzi, everything is going to be so much better.  
She doesn't feel free though, she doesn't feel better. She doesn't even feel that the hardest part it over. Because every minute that ticks by feels harder and harder to go on.

It hits her finally, that it will never be over. Things won't ever get better. It's her fault. She let Bo into her heart. She knew better. If she just stayed away, stayed alone and self sufficient, it wouldn't hurt so much to leave Bo now.

The thought of living without Bo was incomprehensible. So much so that she began to think she really could just turn around and go back and say sorry, and everything would be ok. She would do it, no matter how much it wounded her pride, no matter what Bo would think of her , she would go and beg for Bo to forgive her, and promise to be a faithful human pet for the rest of her life. Maybe that would make it all better?

She wondered then, if it was against some kind of law for claimed humans to leave their master. Would a whole army of fae come after her? It occurred to her too that she just stole Bo's car. Would Bo be angry enough to call the police? To have her thrown in jail for theft?

Everything swirled around in her mind in a confusing haze. She remembered the look on Bo's face. She knows that Bo had looked shocked, that's all, just shocked. But as she goes over and over the moment it changes in her mind. First she is angry, so angry, and then she is devastated, and all Kenzi wanted to do was go back and make it up to her.

Something dark and insidious crept up inside her mind then. It took her a few moments to realise what it was. She hadn't noticed the radio was even on when she took the car. It wasn't until the song- that song- started playing. Before she even consciously registered the song playing she felt sick. And not just because it was a soppy Christmas song. She long ago buried the memories associated with that song. It's not like she forgot. She remembers the details, of what happened, in a distant kind of way. As if it happened to someone else. The memories never really hurt her, because it didn't feel like it was her those things happened to when that song was playing. All of the feelings of the time were gone, as if it was just a movie not a memory of her own life. She managed to keep it at a distance like that. Except when she heard that one stupid song. It had the power to bring everything rushing back, everything she fought so hard to forget. It seemed to open the flood gate, because once that memory came back, suddenly there would be dozens more, things she always remembered but kept at a distance, things she always told herself would never hurt her again.

It had been years since she heard that song. Years since those memories touched her. She reached for the dial and hastily switched it off. But it was too late, the melody was already in her head. And it was all the worse this time, because now, on top of all those painful things that happened in the past, now she had lost Bo. And that somehow gave the painful memories all the more power to torment her. The song continued on and on in her mind on a terrible loop that she could not stop. She felt panic rise in her at the thought of all those things coming back to haunt her. At feeling like she was that lost little girl again who had no hope, who had no one that cared about her, who was worth nothing.

"No!" She said aloud. "I'm not going to let any of that hurt me ever again, I'm not going to let anything touch me ever ever again."

That was the last thing she said, before she put her foot to the floor on the accelerator, and turned the steering wheel abruptly towards the tree.

The last thing she thought before the deafening noise of the crash, was how she wished she had told Bo one last time how much she loved her, how she wished that before she left, before she broke her heart, she had let Bo hug her, just once more.  
And finally, she felt relieved, because none of it would matter anymore, nothing would ever hurt her again.

And with that, she closed her eyes, and waited for it to all be over.


	2. Chapter 2 Broken Glass

_**Part 2**_  
 _ **Broken Glass**_ __

She had called Kenzi's name long after she lost sight of the car. Kenzi couldn't possibly hear her. But she didn't know what else to do. She she stood there calling her name. Believing, on some level, that Kenzi could sense her calling, that somehow she would turn around and come back. How could she just leave like that?

Bo didn't want to go back inside, even though it was freezing. The sight of the tree made her shudder, the memory of what happened. She had been so excited about that tree. She knew Kenzi would find it kind of cheesy, and she would be teased a little. Not just for putting it up, but for being so excited about it. But then she would show her the lights, and how pretty they looked in the dark, and the special ornaments she had made, one for every person in her life, with their names inscribed. Kenzi's was the biggest, even bigger than Lauren's, because Kenzi was the biggest part of her life. And also because Kenzi was the most likely one to get jealous over the fact someone elses ornament was bigger, where as Lauren wouldn't care. Kenzi was there first, Lauren just had to get used to it if she wanted a relationship with Bo, Kenzi was part of the package.

Bo didn't know what to do, and she wasn't used to feeling like that. Part of her felt that she needed to respect Kenzi's wishes. Kenzi wanted to be free. Who could blame her? But something about it felt so very wrong. This had come from nowhere. And Kenzi was so angry, it wasn't right to let her leave like that. If she really wanted to go they could talk about it and say goodbye nicely, and it would break Bo's heart, but she would let Kenzi go if she really wanted to, if it made her happy.

She didn't seem happy, though. And she kept saying stupid things about being a human pet. There must be some reason she was so angry, some reason she would take off like that, not even pack a bag! Everything in her wanted to go find Kenzi, but she kept hearing Kenzi's words in her head- You're so selfish, you never care about what i want. And she suddenly didn't know anymore what she was supposed to do. Had Kenzi been miserable this whole time? Was it better to just let her go?

She can't make sense of any of this, all she knows is Kenzi is gone. Her heart is broken. The loss is painful, physically painful. And it wasn't just that she lost her best friend, her heart. It was the anger in her eyes, hearing what Kenzi really felt about Bo- that she was a selfish monster. Bo can admit she isn't perfect. She has flaws, she is self centered. But it's not like Kenzi was perfect! And Bo had honestly given her heart to Kenzi, her whole heart, she held nothing back. She would die for Kenzi, she would give anything for her. So how could it be that Kenzi was miserable? That Kenzi thought Bo didn't care about her?

She sank to the ground trying to catch her breath in between sobs. She didn't know what to do. Her life had plenty of anguish. She wasn't a stranger to grief and pain and anger. But this feeling was something she has never known. This was like the ground had been snatched out from under her. And she was falling, falling, falling, waiting to hit the ground.

She didn't realise she had pulled her phone from her pocket. She wanted to call Kenzi. She knew Kenzi wouldn't answer, she never did when she was mad about something. But she could leave a message, tell Kenzi she loved her. It might not be fair to ask Kenzi to stay, but she could say- Kenzi I love you so much. She wanted to say it so badly. Instead, she watched on in surprise as her fingers dialed Dyson. It wasn't really a conscious decision, she wasn't thinking she needed him or his help. It was just something her fingers did, involuntarily. She almost hung up when she realised this probably violated some kind of unspoken relationship law between her and Lauren - to reach for Dyson in her hour of darkness. But it was just instinct.

It would make more sense to call Lauren. Not just because she was her girlfriend. But Lauren is human, she could understand what Kenzi was saying better than anyone. She is afraid to call Lauren though. As if Lauren would say to her. "Bo, how could you do that to Kenzi? Bo you're so selfish! You're so Fae! You don't even realise when you treat me and Kenzi like garbage, of course she left, hey I'm leaving too now you mention it." And Lauren would suddenly realise she didn't want to be a "human pet" in Bo's life either and walk out the door. It was stupid, but it was a very real fear.

She could barely manage to get a word out, she was crying so hard by the time he answered the phone. And he was being all sweet and caring, and she didn't deserve it, because somehow she had done something terrible to drive Kenzi away. She tried to explain, through the sobs, but he couldn't make sense of it. He told her to stay where she was, he was on his way.

Relief flooded over her as she realised Dyson was coming. It was going to be ok. Dyson will come in and take over and work it all out, find Kenzi and work out what's going on and he will know what to do to fix it all. And it wont matter that she is confused and doesn't know what to do, because Dyson will know.

She is shivering in the cold outside when Dyson arrives, she stands to her feet when she sees him, running to him to embrace him. She hadn't meant to break down in his arms, but somehow as he wraps his strong arms around her she can't hold back. She hadn't called him to comfort her. She didn't deserve comfort. She needed him to find Kenzi. More than that, she needed him to tell her what happened, how to fix it.

He allowed her a few moments to cry on his shoulder, before he pulled away, telling her to take a breath, and tell him what happened.

The question caught her off guard. Because- the thing was- she didn't have a clue what happened! It makes no sense to her. How could she explain it to him?

"Kenzi is gone." She blurts out.

"Gone?" He asks.

"She left, she took my car. You have to find her."

"Ok." He nods, trying to understand what has Bo in such a state. "I'm sure she will be back soon, where did she go?"

"No, she's never coming back, she said she isn't coming back ever!" Bo yells at him, trying to make him see this is serious.

"Slow down, what happened, did you have a fight?" He asks.

"No." Bo replied quickly, then revised "Yes….I don't know. She was so angry and I was so confused!"

"What about?"

"I don't know! She kept saying I treated her like a human pet, that she was miserable, that she didn't want to be part of this anymore." Bo explained.

He nodded. "I can understand her feeling that way."

This shocks Bo. "What do you mean? You think i treat her like a pet?"

"No no" he is quick to reply. "Just that it's not easy being human in a fae world. It must get frustrating at times."

"You think Kenzi was miserable here?" She asked.

"No." He says after a moments consideration, "I saw Kenzi last night, she seemed happy, i've never thought she was miserable here."

"She didn't even pack a bag, she didn't take a thing with her! It's not right, even if she was miserable, and even if i was the most terrible friend on the planet, you don't just leave like that!" Bo insisted.

"She didn't take anything with her?" He clarified.

"No. Not a thing. She came down to breakfast and suddenly blurted out she was leaving, and I was selfish for trying to stop her, and she left."

"Maybe she just needed to go for a drive to calm down. She will have to come back to get her things, to bring the car back. She isn't gone for good." He assured her.

For a moment she wanted to believe it. To listen to Dyson's calm voice and agree- yes Kenzi was angry, she just needed to calm down a little, a nice drive will clear her head and she will come back and it will all be ok.

She can almost let herself believe it, but she can see in Dyson's face he is worried.

"You didn't see her, Dyson, I've never seen her like that, she was so upset and so angry, and she wouldn't talk to me. She told me she was scared I would use my powers on her to control her, I would never, why would she say that? Something is very wrong, I should have stopped her, I should have tried harder, obviously she's mad at me, i don't know what i did, but i shouldn't have done it…" Bo explained frantically.

"Ok, it's going to be ok, If she took the car it will be easy enough to track her down, i'll make some calls, make sure she is ok. Sounds like she was just upset, and saying things she didn't mean. She will calm down. That's just Kenzi, she gets worked up and over the top about things, you know that."

Bo wanted to believe it, wanted to just say yeah Kenzi was just being Kenzi, no big deal. But she couldn't. Dyson's calm insistence that everything would be ok was irritating, it just made Bo realise how NOT ok this was. Didn't he understand? Something was wrong!

That's when she called Lauren.

She did her best to explain. That Kenzi was so angry, the things she said about not wanting to be a human pet, about how miserable she was, about how selfish Bo was, how there were tears in Kenzi's eyes, how she backed away and was afraid to let Bo near her- as if Bo was a monster. How she left, without even packing a bag.

Bo was crying before she reached the end, and Lauren said she too was on her way over.

Lauren walked right past Dyson, who was on the phone trying to track the car, and straight to Bo , who was pacing the floor. She looked to the Christmas tree lying in disarray on the floor but didn't say a word. She just pulled Bo into an embrace. A tinge of guilt crossed Bo's mind, because all she could think is how much she wanted to be hugging Kenzi. And she wondered, if things were the other way around, if Lauren was missing and Kenzi was here hugging her- would she be wishing it was Lauren- or would she be thinking 'Thank God I still have you Kenzi, thank God that no matter how many people I lose, i'll always have you Kenzi, you're the one I could never stand to lose.'

She pushed those thoughts away, and pushed Lauren away gently, asking "Do you think I treat Kenzi badly, like a human pet? Because I would never want that, but maybe I do it without realising I do?"

"No." Lauren said so tenderly, stroking her hair. "You've never treated Kenzi like a pet, you treat her like she is your best friend. You're not capable of treating anyone like a human pet." Lauren assured her as she pulled her to sit beside her on the couch.

"Why would she say that? Why is she so miserable that she had to just leave?" Bo asked

"If Kenzi was unhappy with her life here, she would talk to you about it. She would make a decision to leave and plan it, and pack her things, not just up and walk out the door in the heat of an argument." Lauren said matter of factly.

"That's exactly what she did!"

"It sounds to me like ….."

"What?" Bo asked. "What is it I'm missing?" Bo pleaded desperately

"I can't speak for Kenzi, I might be way off. But it seems to me that she was trying to hurt you, trying to push you away by saying those things. The most hurtful things she could think of. I don't believe any of those things are true, I know you don't treat her like a pet, and I don't believe that she thinks so either. People say things, in the heat of an argument. To hurt the other person, to make a point, because they are angry, sounds like she just needs some time to calm down. It was cruel to say those things to you. They aren't true. And she didn't mean them. I might not be Kenzi's favourite person, but I know she loves you Bo. She adores you. She didn't mean those things, and she wouldn't just leave like that. I'm sure she is just upset or angry about something and needs time to calm down."

"But what is she so angry about, what did I do? Why would she go out of her way to hurt me like this?" Bo wondered sadly.

"I don't know, babe, but don't let it get to you. You've never treated her badly. I spend a lot of time here, and i've never ever felt Kenzi was unahppy here or felt badly treated. I've seen you two together a lot, she's never been afraid of you or thought you were a monster— never."

"There must be some reason behind it."

"I'm sure it will be ok, she will calm down and you will work it out. Dyson will find her. It will be ok. Why don't you start at the beginning, tell me what happened."

"It was the tree." Bo said, as the realisation hit her. "The stupid tree."

"What about it?"

"She hated it. She took one look at it and …" Bo's voice trailed off as she recounted the scene. "Why didn't i just get rid of it?"

It's too late now, but Bo got up suddenly and began ripping the other decorations from the walls.

"Bo?" Lauren asked.

"It was that stupid tree, and the stupid Christmas stuff, the stupid party. She was upset when I told her that last years Christmas sucked. She thought I meant because it was just her and I. I just meant we didn't do anything special, and this year we could celebrate, maybe she felt like I was replacing her, like I didn't need her."

"Maybe…" Lauren mused. "But that's hardly a reason to be so cruel and take off. You realise, technically, she has stolen your car. That's a crime. There must be something bigger behind it."

Bo's heart skipped a beat as Lauren said it. Because Lauren was supposed to say- 'Hey Kenzi is being a stupid human brat, she wants attention, she's jealous, ignore her she's being rridiculous, it's all a game, a ploy for attention, she is so clingy she just wants you to go chasing after her.' Lauren wasn't supposed to say 'there's something serious going on. There must be more going on'.

"She didn't really steal the car. …. I mean I would have given it to her, i would have given her anything…"

Lauren bent down picking up one of the tree ornaments, one of the ones that hadn't been smashed, and something flashed across her face. "Oh." She said suddenly.

"What?" Bo asked frantically

"I don't know." Lauren said cautiously.

"Tell me!" Bo demanded, feeling instantly guilty at the hostility in her tone.

"I really don't know, just it reminded me of something last week. When Kenzi dropped off the samples for the case- and I asked her to wait while I reviewed them."

"And?" Bo prompted impatiently.

"When I came back she was standing there, in my living room, staring at the Christmas tree. She didn't even notice I was there she was so entranced. And there was something in her eyes, something I can't really describe. Something like fear."

"Did you ask her about it?" Bo asked anxiously.

"I tried. I asked if she was ok. She said she was. I asked her if she liked the tree. She said it was a piece of crap. But when she took the papers from me, her hands were trembling. There were tears in her eyes and a look that I can't explain. When she left, she went out of her way to walk around the tree, as if she was afraid of it."

Bo recalled the way Kenzi had looked at the tree that morning, the exact way Lauren was describing. Like it was going to bite her, like she was too scared to get close to it.

"I just got the feeling like it triggered some kind of memory, I guess Christmas isn't always a happy time for people. I figured she wasn't much into Christmas, but i never realised how deeply it affected her. It wasn't just that she didn't like the tree, or thought Christmas was stupid, it really seemed to upset her."

"Why didn't you ever tell me that? I never would have brought the stupid tree in here!" Bo exploded.

"I didn't think of it as something to tell. I figured you know Kenzi better that I do, you would know about her past. I didn't realise….well didn't you notice last year she didn't like Christmas?" Lauren asked, throwing the blame back on Bo.

"We didn't have a tree last year, we didn't really do anything. I knew she wasn't into celebrating holidays, I didn't know that it would get to her so much. I didn't know the tree would upset her."

"It's not your fault. It would take more than just bringing a tree into the house to get her that upset. I'm just saying that maybe that triggered something."

Bo was more confused than ever. She didn't have time to dwell on it though, as something in Dyson's tone caught her attention.

"What?" He was saying.

She approached him, with Lauren at her heels, "Dyson? Did you find her?"

He waved his hand to silence her, and turned away.

"I see." He said. "Are you certain? Where? Ok I'm on my way."

"What?" Bo asked in a trembling voice.

"Don't panic, because I'm sure Kenzi is ok."

"What's that supposed to mean?" Bo demanded.

Lauren placed her arms around Bo, bracing herself for whatever Dyson was about to tell them.

"They found your car. It was involved in an accident."

"What? Where? Is Kenzi Ok?"

"Just off the motorway. Kenzi isn't there. That's a good thing." He pointed out hastily. "That she was able to walk away, she can't be that badly hurt. And she can't get too far we will find her."

"Take me there." Bo ordered.

"Maybe you should….." Lauren cut in.

"Take me there NOW."

"Just I think you should prepare yourself….." Lauren tried again.

"Dyson said she must be fine, if she walked away." Bo insisted.

"She might be badly injured, and from what you told me, maybe its best if you just give her some space." Lauren said hesitantly.

Bo didn't dignify that with an answer, she was already out the door.

"You don't need to see this." Dyson warned, but Bo paid no attention. She walked right past the young police man who told her she couldn't cross the police tape. Dyson nodded to him and he backed away. The car was crumpled up against the tree. She couldn't believe Kenzi had been inside it when it collided. There was almost nothing left. Broken glass lay all around. It reminded Bo of the broken christmas ornaments shattered on the floor. There was blood, it seemed like so much blood, but Lauren said "There isn't a lot of blood, that's a good sign."

It was the little pieces of broken glass that got to her. Twinkling in the moonlight. Various shades of blood-stained pieces of glass scattered along the road. She knelt down, compelled to touch them.

"What are you doing?" Lauren asked. "Be careful there's glass everywhere."

She just wanted to touch them, those pieces of broken glass, she wanted to put them back together. Visions of the Christmas tree swirled in her head. It had been so perfect, so elegant. And in just one second Kenzi had knocked it down, it was just a mess on the floor, those little glass ornaments shattered into pieces. Never to be put together again.

She felt Lauren's hand on her shoulder. "You'll cut yourself." Lauren warned her.

How had things come to this point? That everything was so broken? That look in Kenzi's eyes, it was like broken glass. Like shattered pieces of glass that could never be put back together. Had Bo really done that to her? How could that happen without Bo even knowing how?

She heard them talking, Dyson and some other person, trying to lower their voices. "There wasn't any other car involved. And there is no indication that the driver tried to brake, in fact, if you look at the tyre marks here, it seems the driver aimed right for the tree, and accelerated. This was no accident."

She tried to picture it. Kenzi, driving the car, and deciding to just crash into a tree. How could she feel so bad that she wanted to do that? Her guilt faded to the back ground as anger took over. How could Kenzi do that? Didn't she know Bo couldn't live without her? Was that why she did it? Was she that angry? Was it a punishment? How could she do this and not even come to Bo or talk to her? It was stupid. The stupidest thing Kenzi had ever ever done. She could have been killed. Then there would be no chance to work it out. The last words they spoke to each other would have been angry and cruel. And Bo would have been left behind, forever, wondering what she had done to push Kenzi that far over the edge.

"It's not a lot of blood." Lauren repeated, an attempt to make Bo feel better, "Dyson found footprints, so she walked away, that's a good sign. They have people searching, they will find her soon.

She pictured it then, in her mind. Kenzi, injured and bleeding, desperately running away , from what? From her? It snapped her out of her trance. Footprints? Lauren said footprints. "It can't be that hard to find her if she left tracks,"

"Dyson said he can't tell which direction she went." Lauren explained.

"What? Of course he can! " Bo shouted as she headed in Dyson's direction. Why was she standing here feeling sorry for herself, there was something practical to do, she could help Dyson track Kenzi.

"Maybe its because it's so windy, he really can't tell, he followed her scent a little, then lost it." Lauren answered quickly trying to keep up with Bo.

"We should be searching to!" Bo called out over her shoulder. In her hand, she still held delicately to several pieces of shattered glass. As if it was a good luck charm. As if it was a piece of Kenzi, and if she just held tight enough, no matter how much it hurt her, things would be ok."

"It's best we stay here, We don't know which direction she went." Lauren said so calmly. How could she be so calm? Didn't;t she care?

"But Kenzi is hurt!" Bo shouted. "She will need your help! You have to help her please, come with me to find her!" The words turn from angry to desperate.

"I am going to help Kenzi." Lauren assured her, taking her hand. "That's why I need to stay here. I'm no help to Kenzi if I go off in the wrong direction. It might not seem like it to you, but I'm helping the best way I can by staying here where everyone knows where to find me when I'm needed."

Bo knows she isn't being fair, that the look on her face, the anger, the disgust, isn't aimed at Lauren. She is angry at herself, for just letting Kenzi go like that. But in that moment she doesn't have the self control to smile at Lauren and make her feel better. She just shot her an angry look and stormed off calling out to Dyson. If Lauren wouldn't help, fine. She and Dyson would find Kenzi on their own. How did Lauren expect she could help Kenzi if they couldn't even find her for crying out loud! How could she just sit there and wait!

"What do you mean you can't track her?" Bo yelled at Dyson, paying no attention to the man Dyson had been engaged in conversation with.

"I followed her scent so far, then I really can't tell which direction she went." He explained calmly. "But there are people searching in every direction.

"But there's so much blood she must have left a trail?" Bo told him. Did she have to do everything on her own? What was wrong with these people?

"She must have dressed the wounds somehow because the blood trail stops a few feet from the car." Dyson pointed to the ground, showing Bo where the trail stopped.

"But you should be able to detect her even if she covered her tracks, can't you smell her or something?" Bo asked desperately. She knew in her heart that if there was something Dyson could be doing, he would be doing it. But she had to exhaust every possibility. She had to DO something.

"I can't explain it, it's like she just vanished." He said, perplexed.

It hit her then. Why hadn't she thought of it earlier? What was wrong with her. She took a step away from Dyson, looking around, then she saw it. The man hole.

"She went underground." Bo said decidedly.

Dyson and Lauren exchanged glances. It hadn't occurred to them. And it would make sense why her scent disappeared.

"What makes you say that?" Dyson asked.

"I know its where she went." Bo said, not waiting for a response as she headed for the grate. It was heavy, it took all her strength to shift it, and in the end she needed Dyson to help her move it so there was enough room to climb down.

"Could Kenzi have lifted that on her own? She is injured." Lauren pointed out. Bo could tell Lauren wasn't thrilled about climbing down.

"I know she is here." Bo said. Lauren gave her a look, the look that Lauren often gave. The 'this is totally crazy, but I love you so I'll go along with this, but for the record I said it was a bad idea from the start.' Look.

Dyson followed her down quickly, then Lauren - quickly but a little more hesitantly. Dyson's flashlight cast a dim glow around the dark tunnel.

"There!" Bo pointed excitedly at the drops of blood on the walls. "I told you!" The heavy sense of dread lifted a little at the sight. For that moment she pushed aside everything that had happened. All that mattered was they were going to find Kenzi. And she would be ok. Everything else would work itself out.

Dyson took the lead, he had the only flashlight. They had been so hasty to find Kenzi it hadn't occurred to anyone else to grab one. It wasn't long until they came to a fork in the road. Dyson stopped. The ladies waited in silence. He shook his head.

"You don't know which way she went?" Lauren asked after a few minutes passed.

"That's the trouble, she went both ways." He told her.

"She can't be in two places at once!" Bo said frustrated.

"Not at once." He agreed. "It's like she is laying a false trail."

"She really doesn't want to be found." Lauren said aloud, Bo spun to face her and regret was all over her face. "I just mean…"

"I know what you mean." Bo snapped. "You mean she is running from me, hiding from me. Somehow I caused all of this!"

"No!" Lauren insisted. "That's not what I said. I just mean she is obviously not in a good state of mind, she probably doesn't want to be found by anyone, we should just all stay calm."

"We should split up." Dyson said, handing Lauren the flashlight, and breaking up the argument.

She took it hesitantly, with a 'why me?' look on her face, as if she were terrified that Dyson and Bo would go off together and leave her on her own.

"You two take the light." Dyson said. "And go that way. I'll go this way. I have a small light on my phone, and my other senses will lead me."

Before he even finished Bo snatched the light from Lauren and took off down the tunnel. Lauren had to run to catch up with her. Bo could sense Lauren is out of her comfort zone. And felt bad about snapping at her earlier. "Thank you, for coming with me." She offered as way of a peace offering.

"Of course." Lauren answered, but her voice is shaking. "I would do anything for you Bo, and I know how much Kenzi means to you."

"I am sorry, the way I treated you."

"I understand, you are worried about Kenzi."

"It's no excuse to treat you badly. I'm not angry with you. I'm angry at myself because I must have done something to make Kenzi so angry, to make her do this,"

"No, It's not your fault. I don't know why Kenzi said those things to you, or why she would do this. But it seems to me she was trying to push you away, maybe trying to protect you from something." Lauren offered.

"That's ridiculous! I don't need to be protected. I would have helped her, no matter what was wrong. I can't believe she did this - just took off left. She could have died!" Bo said aloud as if realising for the first time she could have lost Kenzi forever.

"She didn't, we will find her, and there will be time to sort it all out. I know you're angry with her, I understand that. I'm angry at her too, for the way she was so cruel to you, and hurt you and then just left you here questioning yourself as to what you did wrong- when you didn't do anything. I'm angry because it was a stupid thing to do and she could have been killed and then there would be no chance to work anything out, and it would be such a waste of a life, and it would hurt you so badly, it would hurt all of us. So I'm angry too, and there's nothing wrong with that. Just put it aside for now. It's not the time. She is obviously in a bad state of mind, and being angry at her isn't going to help." Lauren said it kindly, but it sounded like a lecture.

It took a moment for the words to sink in. Since when had Lauren ever stood up for Kenzi. What kind of parallel universe was this, where Lauren was telling Bo not to be mad at Kenzi ? She knew Lauren was right, none of it mattered, it just mattered that Kenzi was ok. She knew that her anger came from fear from helplessness, from love. And that getting angry at Kenzi wouldn't help. Lauren had been right, it's so clear to her now, Kenzi was trying to push her away. Why hadn't she seen it ? Kenzi had been trying to pick a fight, and Bo fell right into it. She wouldn't make that mistake again, no matter what Kenzi said or did she wouldn't be pushed away, never again.

They came to another split in the tunnel. Bo knew that Lauren wasn't thrilled about being here at all, let alone going off on her own in a dark tunnel. It was a huge thing to ask , and it adds to her anger at Kenzi, didn't she know they were all down here in this dirty dark place frantically looking for her? Why was she making it so damn difficult? It was one thing for Bo to go off in the dark on her own, searching for Kenzi, it was another to ask Lauren to do it too.

"We can split up." Lauren announced.

"Are you sure?" Bo asked.

"Yes, there isn't time to go down the wrong direction. I have my phone too, it has a flash light."

"You take the light, I'll take the phone." Bo offered, and Lauren didn't refuse. "I don't know how to thank you, for all you've done."

"You can make it up to me later." Lauren said with a smirk.

It wasn't the time or the place to make out , but Bo did lean over and kiss Lauren quickly, promising that she would indeed make it up to her later.

It seemed darker after Lauren left, not just because she had taken the big flash light. It seemed dirtier, it smelled terrible, it was cold and damp and ugly. It's not a place anyone should want to run to. It's the kind of place people go when they have no one. When they have nowhere to go. A kind of place Kenzi had casually remarked that she once lived. It was hard enough for Bo to picture Kenzi having to live like that once in the past, but to picture this as the place she ran to when she was in trouble- that was just so unbelievable.

She played their last argument over and over. Why had she let Kenzi leave? It was clear straight away to Lauren that Kenzi was trying to push Bo away. Why hadn't she seen it? She was so stupid, so selfish just like Kenzi said. Kenzi looked so angry, at the time that's what Bo thought- Kenzi is so mad at me! But it wasn't anger, upon reflection, it wasn't anger at all, it was a kind of brokeness. Why hadn't she seen it? And what had caused it? And why hadn't Kenzi come to her?

How could Kenzi do this to her? Leave like that and say she is never coming back? Drive the car into a tree and try to kill herself? It was stupid, the stupidest thing Kenzi had ever done. It felt better, being mad at Kenzi. So much better than the guilt and anger at herself, and the endless confusing "what if' questions. Kenzi was being a stupid brat! That felt so much better. And when Bo got her hands on Kenzi, she was gonna tell her so, and make sure she never ever even thought of being so stupid again! All of her negativity was now neatly wrapped up in one big ball of anger at Kenzi. When she saw Kenzi she was going to let her have it! In a loving way of course.

But when she rounded the corner, and saw Kenzi, huddled against the wall in the semi dark, all her anger melted away. Everything melted away. There wasn't even a second of hesitation as she ran to her, and crouched down beside her, pulling her into a tight embrace.

Bo didn't stop to think she might be hurting her, she didn't stop to think anything. Kenzi didn't hug her back, but she didn't push her away either. Bo kept saying her name over and over "Kenzi, Kenzi, Kenzi." There was so much she wanted to say, but the words wouldn't come.

She pulled back, and looked deep into Kenzi's eyes. Her face was dirty and blood stained. Her eyes tired and lifeless.

"Kenzi?" She called her name again.

Kenzi looked at her, as if she was only just noticing that Bo was there. "Bo?" She asked in a quiet voice.

"I'm here." Bo told her, stroking her hair. "You're ok, everything is going to be ok now."

"No.'" Kenzi shook her head.

"Yes, it is. " Bo told her, "You'll see" Bo forced herself to smile, to show Kenzi it was all ok now, but it was a false smile ,Because she could feel so much pain, so much darkness coming from her friend. She had so many things to ask, to tell . But something in her held back. Not wanting to push too far.

Bo called out to Lauren loudly, and then cradled Kenzi against her, stroking her hair.

Kenzi kept saying "No no, please, no."

And Bo kept comforting her softly that everything was ok now, she was here, and it was going to be ok. She reached for Kenzi's hand and was relieved when Kenzi held onto it tightly, instead of pushing her away.

"I'm so tired." Kenzi said finally.

"I know baby, but you have to stay awake just a little longer ok, Lauren is coming and she will help you, just stay with me for a bit ok?"

She could feel Kenzi suddenly go limp in her arms, She pulled back, lifting Kenzi's face gently, calling her name. She called softly at first, then loudly and more insistently. There was no way she was letting Kenzi go, no way in hell.

Kenzi's eyes fluttered open. For a moment she stared blankly in confusion, then suddenly, violently, she pulled away, fear clouding her eyes. Frantically she struggled to get to her feet, as Bo begged her to be still, not to hurt herself.

"It's ok, it's me." Bo told her, expecting that to calm her down. It had the opposite effect.

Kenzi backed away, as far as she could in the dead end passage of the tunnel. "It's ok." Bo kept telling her. "I'm not going to hurt you, Everything is going to be ok."

She could see that her words didn't reach Kenzi .Kenzi was too far gone, in a place of fear and desperation. Her eyes darting around, looking for an opportunity to escape. Her breathing was rapid and shallow, she couldn't hide the pain she was in.  
"Kenzi?" Bo pleaded. "Please tell me what's wrong, tell me what you need me to do, I'll do anything you want, just talk to me."  
Something seemed to shift then. Something slight and sudden. Kenzi turned to look at Bo, as if she was seeing her for the first time. "Leave me alone." She said calmly.

"I can't do that Kenzi." Bo replied desperately

"You said you would do anything!" Kenzi spat at her icily.

Bo could feel her heart painfully constricting. "Ok, When Lauren get's here, I'll leave , I promise you, if it's really what you want. But I can't leave you here alone."

"It's what I want." Kenzi answered coldly.

She slumped against the wall, closing her eyes.

For a moment Bo stood still, knowing that Kenzi didn't want her near, but knowing too that she needed to stay awake. She called again loudly for Lauren, for Dyson, for anyone. She thought about trying to carry Kenzi back along the tunnel, but Lauren had warned them to keep her where she was, in case she had spinal injuries or neck injuries or something like that. Moving her could make it worse.

She inched closer calling Kenzi's name. When she got no answer she knelt beside her, lifting her head. She was breathing, and her pulse was rapid but steady. She wanted to leave her unconscious. Because it was so nice, the way she could hold her close, the way kenzi didn't fight her off. But she knew it wasn't good for her to pass out like that.

She called her name, this time it wasn't enough. She shook her gently, only afterwards realising she might be making the injuries worse. Finally she slapped her across the face, screaming her name so loudly and desperately. It felt so wrong, hitting her like that. All her anger was gone and not one part of her took any pleasure in it.

"Bo?" Kenzi called out sleepily.

"I'm here, Kenzi, open your eyes ok?"

"I can't." She murmured, so sleepily. "Too tired."

"You have to, I really need you to open your eyes ok, you can sleep later I promise. Please Kenzi, for me."

She opened her eyes, and Bo waited , bracing herself for Kenzi's eyes to cloud over with rage and fear and disgust, this time they didn't.

"What happened?" Kenzi asked her as she looked around the tunnel, as she pulled her arm protectively against her side to brace against the pain from her injuries.

"What do you remember?" Bo asked her gently.

"Nothing." She said , panic rising in her voice. "I don't remember anything, what happened ?"

"There was an accident." Bo said. "You're going to be fine. I just need you to stay awake with me til lauren gets here ok? She will be here really soon."

"What accident?" Kenzi asked

"It doesn't matter now.

"Why can't I remember?"

"You hit your head." Bo told her as she noticed the gash on her head. "Don't worry everything is going to be ok."

"I don't feel good." Kenzi told her.

"I know, Lauren will be here soon ok, she will help you."

"Ok" Kenzi answered. Bo could see the pain all over her face. The confusion and fear.

Obviously Lauren hadn't heard her call out. She would have to go get her.

Gently she moved Kenzi from her embrace, and placed her jacket protectively around her. "I need to go get Lauren ok, she isn't far away,"

"No don't go." Kenzi begged. "Don't leave me."

Such a stark contrast to her words only minutes ago telling Bo to go away.

"I'll be right back, I promise, you need help."

"No, I'm fine, its not that bad, really" Kenzi tried to protest but she flinched in pain at every word.

"I don't want to leave you , I never want to leave you, I promise you ill be right back ok, I need to get lauren. Then we can get out of here."

"Please Bo, don't " Kenzi begged, tears in her eyes, and it was almost enough to make bo change her mind.

She knelt down kissing Kenzi on the forehead, "I will be right back. I don't know how to help you, I need to get Lauren ok, and you will feel so much better I promise and we will get out of her. I don't want to leave you, but I need to make sure you're ok. Please tell me you understand. "

Kenzi nodded. "Ok" She agreed finally.

"I'll be right back" Bo said again as she raced back through the tunnel calling for Lauren.

~  
It was only minutes before Bo returned with Lauren. Suddenly Lauren was in Kenzi's face, shining lights, sticking needles in her arm, poking and prodding and asking questions, "does this hurt, does that hurt."

"It all hurts!" Kenzi answered back. "Stop poking me!"

"Please let Lauren help you." Bo whispered, and Kenzi took a deep breath, which was excruciatingly painful, and then let Lauren carry on with her job.

"Did you lose consciousness ?" Lauren asked

"No." Kenzi told her.

"Yes." Bo challenged. She wasn't conscious when I found her, and after that she passed out again.

"What about after the accident?" Lauren asked. "Did you lose consciousness?"

"I don't remember." Kenzi said.

"It's ok, it doesn't matter." Lauren said.

Then why the hell did you ask? Kenzi wanted to say, but it would take up too much energy.

"Bo, can't we just go home?" Kenzi pleaded.

"Soon, we will. But We have to make sure you're ok first." Bo answered.

"I'm fine." Kenzi insisted. "I don't know why you're all so worried."

"You were in a bad accident." Lauren explained.

"I was?" Kenzi asked in confusion.

"You don't remember the accident?" Lauren asked.

"No." Kenzi shook her head.

"Or anything before the accident?" Lauren added cautiously/

"Like what?" Kenzi wanted to know

"What's the last thing you remember?" Lauren dodged that question with one of her own.

It struck Kenzi as a stupid question. But as she tried to think, there was a black fog in her mind. Something wasn't right.

"I don't know." She said shakily.

Was it her imagination or did Lauren and Bo look relieved at that. Like they didn't want her to remember?

"What happened? What's going on?" Kenzi asked, panic starting to set in.

"Don't worry about that now, I need to put this brace on your neck, you might have injured it in the accident." Lauren answered.

"My neck is fine." Kenzi insisted. "What is going on, what are we doing here?"

"I know it might feel fine, but you could have done damage without knowing, and until we get an x-ray we have to be careful. Neck injuries are common after an accident, and they can cause permanent paralysis, so please just let me put this brace on."

"First tell me whats going on!" Kenzi insisted pulling away from Lauren.

"Don't move your head like that!" Lauren yelled. Even Bo jumped a little. "I'm not kidding you could have a serious injury you need to be still."

Kenzi turned to Bo then "Bo?" She asked. "What's going on, why are you looking at me like that?"

Bo was trying to blink back tears. To look calm and happy and comforting. But she couldn't quite manage.

"Don't lie to me." Kenzi warned her.

"Please just listen to Lauren, we can talk later ok?" Bo tried to comfort her.

"Tell me." Kenzi insisted.

"There was a car accident." Bo told her.

"I don't remember. What happened?"

"I don't know, I wasn't there." Bo said ever so carefully. Kenzi didn't think this was a lie, just that it wasn't the whole truth.

"I don't even have a car." Kenzi said. "And a car wouldn't fit down here! I don't understand."

"You were driving my car." Bo continued.

"I was? You never let me drive!?" Kenzi protested.

"And there was an accident. You hit your head, I guess you wandered off down here. Ok? So please let Lauren do her thing then we can get out of here?" Bo begged.

It started to come back, bit by bit. As Lauren's hands came towards her, trying to put the brace around her neck she pulled away violently, pushing Lauren so suddenly and forcefully she lost her balance, dropping the brace to the ground.

She could hear them both yelling at her, telling her to be still.

But she was in another place. Flashes of things coming to her. The car. She remembered being in the car. She remembered the song, that song. God no, please get that song out of my head. She remembers the tree, remembers that feeling of relief that it was all going to be over, she was supposed to be dead.  
Bo had hold of her calling her name, she could hear it, but distantly, "Kenzi, please, can you hear me?"

"The car." Kenzi spluttered. "I'm sorry, Bo about your car."

"I don't care about the car!" Bo shouted back.

So angry, Bo was so angry, her eyes, just like at the house, they were fighting. The tree that stupid tree, it was all because of that stupid tree.

"The tree." Kenzi whispered desperately, "I'm sorry about your tree."

"Kenzi I don't give a shit about the tree or the car, I only care about you, please please calm down and let Lauren help you."

"No, this is all wrong, it's not supposed to be this way, Im not supposed to be here, I'm supposed to be dead!" Kenzi shouted at Bo. She tried to pull away but Bo had hold of her so tightly.

"No!" Bo shouted back even louder. "You're supposed to be right here with me, thats where you're supposed to be, and I'm not going to let you go ever, do you hear me?"'

Everything was spinning around her, she felt dizzy and disoriented and sick. Fragments of memories were swirling around and around in sicking circles, her step father was shouting at her "Do you here me Kenzi? I'm never going to let you go?" she couldn't tell what was real and what was not, maybe she was dead, maybe this was her eternal torture.

She didn't know what she was afraid of, who she was angry at, she only knew it all felt so bad, it had to stop, she had to get away. But she could not, Bo was holding her so tightly, it felt like her arms were breaking, Bo was shouting at her, and crying, and she was crying too. She could feel Lauren's hand on her back trying to keep her calm, to keep her still, but it felt to her like everyone was trying to pull her down into a dark place, everyone was trying to hurt her, and all she wanted was everyone to go away and leave her alone.

She could see Bo was talking to her, but she couldn't hear the words anymore, all she could hear was that song round and round, all she could hear is her step father screaming at her, her mother laughing, the sound the Christmas tree made as it fell to the ground, the sound of the tiny glass ornaments shattering that tiny little sound, and the deafening crushing sound as the car hit the tree, The shooting pain all over her body, the sinking dealing of defeat and failure as she realised she wasn't even dead!

She didn't even really realise what she was doing until she saw the look on Bo's face, she was hitting Bo, hard. The way she promised herself she would never hit anyone, not after the way her step father hit her. "You never listen!" She was shouting through the tears, hitting Bo over and over trying to get the message through. "I told you to leave me alone! Go away and leave me alone!"

She could feel Bo's hands cupping her face. She frantically tried to pull away, to push her away. She sensed a strange peaceful warmth descend throughout her whole body. A feeling she could not describe. Suddenly all that negativity was gone, the anger, even the physical pain. Suddenly all she could see was Bo, all she could feel was love for her. All she felt was safe and loved and secure. She knew it was not real. As it took over she tried to remind herself it wasn't real. It was an illusion, fae bullshit. But those thoughts too drifted away and all that was left was Bo. She looked into her eyes, thinking she would do anything for bo, anything! Asking herself how she could ever be the one to cause the pain in Bo's eyes. She could hear her own voice whispering "I'm sorry Bo, I'm sorry."

"It's ok." Bo whispered back, but there are tears streaming down her face. She remembered laying down in Bo's lap, Bo stroking her hair and telling her it's all going to be ok, She remembered Lauren putting the brace around her neck. Distantly she even remembered Dyson lifting her up and Bo's voice promising she was right there and would never leave. 


	3. Chapter 3 Little White Lies

Chapter 3

It was a relief that she could slip into her Dr Role. Lauren did not have to think about anything else. Lauren did not have to think about how angry she was at Kenzi for puling such a stupid stunt, she could have been killed! Lauren did not have to think about how angry she was for the way Kenzi had managed to shatter Bo, so swiftly and completely and in such a flurry of confusion that no one even understood what was happening. Lauren did not have to think about the anguish in Bo's eyes, or the way she was powerless to help. Most of all, Lauren did not have to think about that tiny little seed of jealousy, the winding insidious tendrils of rejection, of worthlessness, of defeat that were strangling her heart at the realisation that - in that moment at least- Kenzi was the only thing Bo cared about, Kenzi was the only one who could reach her. And Kenzi, with all that power, with all Bo's attention and devotion, seemed intent on using that coveted position of power to stick a knife in Bo's heart, and twist it, again and again.

But, Lauren didn't have to think about any of that, as she busied herself monitoring Kenzi's vital signs, adjusting IV rates, making notations on charts, there was plenty of legitimate work to immerse herself in. And still, she had to stop now and then, to remind herself- Kenzi was her patient. It wasn't that she lacked compassion for whatever Kenzi was going through. Just, as with most things, Bo's feelings, Bo's pain, Bo herself, overshadowed everything.

She could feel it, the fear and anguish emanating from Bo all the way across the room. She was so aware of it. And yet when she looked at Bo, she was always taken aback by the depth of sorrow in those glistening eyes. Tears threatening to fall, but not. As if she was trying not to cry. Lauren blamed herself a little for that. She had told Bo to calm down, that someone had to keep their cool. That it wouldn't help Kenzi to see Bo so upset and afraid. Which was true. But in all honesty, it was Lauren who couldn't stand to see the brokenness and terror in Bo. And yet, Somehow it hit Lauren harder- seeing Bo try so hard not to look like she was in so much pain, it was worse to know it was there, under the surface. Unreachable.

Lauren reminded hersel— she was doing all she could - for them both. Taking care of Kenzi would be the only thing that made Bo feel better. It was the only way she could help. So she devoted herself to the task, and pushed her emotions aside.

"Shouldn't she be awake by now?" Bo asked anxiously, for the tenth time, as she sat by Kenzi's bedside.

"She needs rest, it's the best way for her to heal.." Lauren assured her, again.

In truth, she strongly suspected Kenzi WAS awake, had been for the last half hour, and was hiding behind feigned unconsciousness. She saw no benefit in calling her out at the time, she didn't want to push too hard. She had seen Kenzi snap in the tunnel, knew she was in a fragile state, she did not want a repeat of that. It might make Bo feel better, momentarily, if Kenzi woke up. But when Kenzi started screaming at her to go away, well Bo wasn't going to just leave, it would be an ugly scene. So she said nothing, letting Kenzi think her act was fooling them all.

"Shouldn't you give her a blood transfusion, she lost a lot of blood." Bo suggested, for the twentieth time. Irritation was starting to rise in Lauren, which she felt immediately guilty for, because Bo was only worried about her friend.

Lauren turned, to look at her with a patiently exasperated look, Did she really have to explain it again? Bo didn't give her the opportunity.

"Give her my blood." Bo insisted. "Like last time, you said it helped her heal faster, give it to her again."

"A blood transfusion at this juncture may make her condition more unstable. We need to wait for the results of the scans. If there is any internal bleeding, especially cerebral bleeding, then increasing the blood volume, and therefore pressure, will only exacerbate the bleeding- which ultimately will leave her not only more haemodynamically unstable but could cause permanent damage to her organs."

"I didn't understand half of that- but it's not rocket science- she lost blood, so give her more. And if you give her my blood it will help heal all those things you're worried about." Bo said so confidently. It always frustrated Lauren when Bo made out that things were so simple, that she knew all the answers. This was Lauren's field of expertise. This was one case Bo was simply wrong. Which wasn't an easy thing for Bo to accept.

"It might, help her it might not, we don't know enough about the way your blood interacts with human physiology to take the chance. All we know is that it helped her recover from the virus last time, that's a completely different physiological process. And even IF a transfusion at this point would help with the injuries- it will also mask the symptoms that are helping me work out what treatment is needed."

"There won't be any symptoms, and she won't need any treatment!" Bo insisted. "Just give her my blood it will help her I know it."

"In order to have a significant effect you would have to give twice your blood volume."

"I don't care, take it."

"To start with- you don't have that much blood in you to give, it is just not possible, and even if you did, there is no way her body could cope with that amount, it would elevate her blood pressure to the point she would go into heart failure, or have a stroke, or both."

"You're not even trying, you wont even give it a chance! You never really liked Kenzi, maybe you're not the right person to be treating her, maybe you want her out of the way so I have more time for you is that it?"

That was unexpected. And it hurt. Partly because there was truth in it- not that Lauren would mistreat Kenzi - she would never. But that she was jealous- yes. Not of the time they sent together, but of the way that when something was wrong with Kenzi Bo's whole world stopped. The way no one else mattered when Kenzi was in trouble. The way Lauren didn't matter.

Lauren almost laughed as Bo said it. She wanted to say fine, go get another doctor, and good luck finding one who would be as dedicated to helping Kenzi as I am. After hours crawling around in those dark stinking tunnels, after the way Lauren had been there supporting Bo right from the start, after she was here, right in front of Bo, working her fingers to the bone to try and help Kenzi, the fact Bo could accuse her of such a thing just made her want to laugh, and throw her hands in the air in defeat.

Something about Laurens reaction must have made Bo regret her outburst, because before Lauren had a chance to say a word, she was apologising, tears were falling, and there was no way Lauren could walk out after that, after Bo tearfully begging for forgiveness, and promising she didn't mean it.

"I know you're worried about Kenzi. You have to trust me, I know what Im doing, and what I am doing is in her best interests. You might not understand the decisions I make, but there are reasons behind them, important reasons. I know you feel like you need to be doing something, but the time I'm spending justifying my decisions to you is time you're taking me away from treating Kenzi." Lauren told her.

Bo just nodded in agreement, as if she was afraid to speak, and somehow that made Lauren instantly feel guilty. She softened her tone. "She will be ok. I just need you to let me do my thing. She really is a very very lucky girl, it could have been a lot worse. She really will be fine." Lauren assured her, an attempt to comfort Bo.

Physically you mean." Bo added.

"Once we make sure her physical condition is stable, then we can help her with whatever else is going on. Kenzi has a lot of people who care about her and want to help her and she will be fine." Lauren said, and she believed it, she really did.

Bo nodded, half convinced. Or maybe just too weary to argue.

"You are right about one thing, once I've established there is no internal bleeding, she will need a transfusion. And while it may not have any extra benefit to be fae blood, i don't see that it would hurt. So if you want to help Kenzi, why don;t you go to the blood bank and donate blood, before she wakes up."

"Just take my blood now, take whatever you need. I know it will help her, I can't explain it to you, I don't have any scientific proof, but I know because I love her so much, I know my blood will help her more than any one else's, i just know.

"You might be right," Lauren conceded for the sake of saving time. "But the blood needs to be processed in the lab." Lauren lied. "i can't just take it here.

"Last time you took it and just gave it to her." Bo protested

This is why Lauren was never good at lying, it all got too complicated. "Last time there was nothing to lose. We had no cure and needed to buy time. This time i need to be precise about the amount of blood, and the amount of certain minerals in the blood, and the effects on her vital signs, it's important to keep her haemodynamically stable." Lauren threw that last bit in hoping a few big words might confuse Bo to the point she stopped arguing. "Besides, I need to focus on Kenzi, i don't have the time to worry about how much blood you've lost."

Bo's resolve wavered, Lauren could see, she didn't want to distract Lauren from her job.

"I want to be here when she wakes up, I don't want her to wake up alone."

"I will let you know if there are any changes. And when she is awake she will need you, so it's best you go and do this now, then you won't have to leave her later when she needs you most."

Lauren can see Bo thinking this over. For a tense moment in time she doesn't know if Bo has seen right through her. But finally, Bo nods "I'll be right back." She said.

"Good." Lauren agreed.

"And you'll let me know if anything changes."

"I will." Lauren felt the weight of that lie crushing her.

It was for Bo, she reminded herself, and for her patient. And with that she smiled her most reassuring smile and added. "I will take good care of her.

"I know you will. I'm sorry i said….."

"Forget it, there are more important things to do right now." Lauren smiled at her, letting her know there were no hard feelings.

Bo nodded, and headed for the door, turning back just once to add. "Thank you, Lauren, for everything. I mean it, i don't know how to thank you."

"Go." Lauren told her. "I'll see you soon."

To Lauren's surprise that was how easy it had been to get Bo to leave Kenzi's side. She knew she didn't have long, Bo was not going to be gone from Kenzi's side for one second longer than absolutely necessary.

"I know you can hear me Kenzi." Lauren told her as soon as she was certain Bo was far enough away not to over hear. "It's just me, Lauren. If you don't want to talk to me I understand that. But I need to know if you can hear me. I don't know why you don't want to talk to Bo, but she won't be gone long. If you co-operate with me I'll be done in a few minutes, and you can go back to pretending to be unconscious if you really want to, and I wont tell her. But if you don't co operate…."Lauren didn't really know what kind of threat or enticement would work, so she let her voice trail off into silence, hoping it sounded menacing enough. And sure enough, it must have.

"What do you want?" Kenzi asked her, just like hadn't taken much persuasion at all

"I just need to run through some neurological tests." Lauren answered, slipping flawlessly once again in her Dr persona.

Kenzi opened her eyes blinking painfully as her vision adjusted to the bright fluroescent lights in the room. Lauren performed her tests efficiently, checking pupil reflex and limb strength. She spoke only when required, asking Kenzi to squeeze her hand, asking if she could feel this or that, if she had pain, if her vision was blurry, if she was dizzy, all the usual sort of questions she had asked patients a hundred times.

And Kenzi answered the questions, also speaking only when required. Lauren had no need to doubt the veracity of the answers, the seemed to match up with the physical evidence, Kenzi admitted her vision was blurry, admitted her head hurt, and her broken ribs. She complied with every one of Lauren's requests. Lauren had been expecting- what? A fight? Blatant refusal to co operate like in the tunnel? Anything but this, this quiet co operation. It was eerie. It was just not Kenzi. It was as if there was no fight left in her. And while it was annoying, the way Kenzi would protest and argue with Lauren every single time she was injured or sick, and over every single little thing, it was somehow disconcerting to see her just lie there and submit to everything without question.

"Thank you." Lauren said when she reached the end of the observations.

Kenzi said nothing.

"Do you remember the accident?" Lauren asked, telling herself it was for medical purposes, to ascertain the amount of neurological deficit. But really, she just wanted to know if they were on the same page. Or if Kenzi was about to be bombarded with the memories, and suddenly snap.

"I remember everything." Kenzi said simply. And Lauren could see it in her eyes. The regret and shame, and pain and fear and confusion. There was no doubt she remembered it. Yet neither of them could bring themselves to discuss it further.

If there had been any anger left in Lauren, it vanished when she looked into Kenzi's eyes that moment. Kenzi looked so small, and lost, and frightened. She looked so vulnerable. It wasn't possible to hold onto any anger. All she felt was that she wanted to hug her. To reach out and tell her it would be ok and hold her tightly. But, of course, she refrained.

There had been so many things she wanted to say to Kenzi, to ask her. How could she be so stupid, how could she hurt Bo so much, didn't she understand how much Bo loved her, how she would do anything to help her? Why would she push her away like that? Why would she want to throw her life away just like that, what could possibly be so bad?

But as she opened her mouth, all of it faded away. The words dissolved into thin air. There was nothing left, just the taste of uncertainty in Lauren's mouth, and in her ears the relentless ticking of the clock reminding her Bo would be back any moment. Kenzi would retreat into feigned unconsciousness, and her window of opportunity would be closed.

Se didn't know where to go, what had her purpose even been? What did she think she could do? Bo made it clear there was nothing Lauren could do to make her feel better, so why should she think she had anything to offer to Kenzi?

She hadn't, she remembered, really been trying to help Kenzi for Kenzi's sake. It had been about Bo. She wanted to shake the foolish selfish girl and say- how can you do this to Bo? You dont care about your own life? Fine! But you must care about Bo. So please please stop this, stop whatever stupid childish game you're playing, because it is killing her. Literally I can see the life draining from her eyes. What do you need me to say or do to get you to stop this?!

But she had looked into Kenzi's eyes, and seen not only a patient who needed her, but something else, something more.

So, there she was, her loyalties divided, questioning her motives, her ethics. Treading on unstable ground with no real idea what she was doing, or who it was for, or if she was helping or making it worse. And it was to late to even wonder- she had opened the door. And Kenzi was looking at her- almost…expectantly? Almost like she was waiting, hoping for something. Walking away now just wasn't possible. She had to at least try to get through to Kenzi. Otherwise, Bo would come back, Kenzi would retreat further away. Eventually Lauren would have to tell Bo Kenzi was awake, Bo would push and push and push because that's what Bo does, and Kenzi would retreat even further, or explode and push back. Neither of those would be constructive or end well. And here Lauren stood, with an opportunity to do something….lost and bewildered and uncertain with no idea what to do.

Before she even had a chance to speak, Kenzi called her name. Softly and hesitantly. "Lauren?"

There was no malice in her tone. Fear maybe, but no anger. So Lauren took it as an invitation, and sat beside her. She placed the chart down on the bedside table, and instantly regretted it as she then had nothing to occupy her hands, and nervously clasped them together. "What is it?" She asked, hoping her tone didn't sound as hesitant as she actually was.

For what seemed like a long time, Kenzi looked away in silence. Lauren began to question if maybe she imagined Kenzi calling her name? But she didn't dare get up and walk away. She couldn't.

"Is Bo ok?" Kenzi asked finally.

The question caught Lauren by surprise. She ran through her answers silently in her head.

'No she isn't ok! How do you think she is? You think you can rip her heart out, call her a monster, abandon her, and then try to kill yourself, and after all that when she still comes looking for you, all you do is push her away…and you don't even have to courage to face her? It's killing her, so stop it!

That was probably what she had wanted to say. Before she looked into Kenzi's eyes. Before she heard in her tone of voice how much she cared about Bo, how guilty she felt.

As a Dr, it was her duty to say something like -Don't worry about Bo, just concentrate on getting better. You don't have to see her if you don't want to, I'll send her away, just relax and don't worry about a thing.

"Why don't you ask her?" Is what she settled on.

Answering a question with a question pretty much stopped the conversation in it's tracks, and she regretted it instantly. Now the ball was back in her court, so She settled for a gentle but honest approach. "She is upset. She is worried about you, it really scared her when she saw the car. It really hurt her when you said those things to her- she is tormenting herself over it- She doesn't understand what she did wrong. She wants so badly to make things right and she doesn't understand any of this." Lauren was quite satisfied with her answer.

"She didn't do anything wrong." was all Kenzi answered, softly, but sincerely. which was much what Lauren had expected was the case. "She didn't" Kenzi repeated "She didn't do anything."

Maybe, if Lauren didn't love Bo so much she would have just let it go, just told Kenzi not to worry about anything, not to worry about Bo, just concentrate on recovery.

"I believe you, Kenzi." Lauren answered "But Bo doesn't know that" Lauren said resolutely. "She feels like she must have done something to make you so unhappy, She thinks this is all her fault." There was more Lauren could say, but she doesn't want to pile too much guilt onto Kenzi at once. What kind of a Dr would do that to her patient just to spare her girlfriends feelings?

"Nothing is her fault. I never meant her to think that, I never meant any of this." Kenzi blurted out, as tears began to fall. Lauren could see straight away so much behind the words. For a minute something flashed across Kenzi's eyes, and Lauren could see what she had always seen when she looked at Kenzi, That she really did love Bo so much. She could see it, in that one look, the guilt at the way she had hurt Bo, the things she had said to her, the way she left. There was no doubt, Kenzi knew what she had done, how she had hurt Bo, and that she regretted it. That it hurt her almost as much as it hurt Bo. And that's when she realised- whatever was going on, it could be resolved. They both cared about each other so much, and both felt bad about what happened, then it should be easy enough to put things back together.

"I don't know what happened, but I'm sure it can be worked out." Lauren told Kenzi "

"You're right, it can be." Kenzi agreed a little too quickly. "you just need to take Bo away from here. You love her, I can see you do. Take her away from here and she will forget all about this, all about me." Kenzi said.

It was the way Kenzi said it so seriously, as if she thought that was how things were going to end, that made Lauren laugh. "You think I'm that powerful? It took me four hours to get her to go to the blood bank." Lauren scoffed, "You think i can take her away from here? There isn't a force on the planet that could take her from your side." Lauren pointed out.

"You have to find a way" Kenzi insisted. "If you care about her, then take her away from this. She will be ok, she will have you. You will take care of her. It's the best thing for everyone. You have to do it."

"I don't really know where to start with explaining the reasons that is not going to happen." Lauren declared. "Besides, Bo is a lot of hard work. She needs a lot of taking care of. I can't do it on my own. I don't want to." And only when Lauren said it, did she realise it was the truth, that there was not only room for the both of them in Bo's life, but that they were both needed in different ways.

Kenzi only shook her head insisting "You don't understand."

"I'll tell you what I do understand. I understand that Bo loves you so very much. Even after you pushed and pushed her away, even after you hurt her more than I've ever seen anyone hurt her, probably as much as you possibly could hurt her. Even after you terrified her so badly when she saw the car, when she thought you were dead. Even after she came looking for you and you still kept pushing her away. Evan after all that- she loves you just as much as she ever did- which by the way — is a lot. I can see that you love her too. No matter our differences in the past, I've always known how much you love Bo, I've always appreciated that she had someone who cares about her the way you do. And now I'll tell you what i really don't understand- is if you love her so much, and I believe you do, if you care about her happiness- then why are you the one doing this to her? Why are you hurting her so badly? You don't have to tell me, maybe i won't ever understand it. But i can promise you this- there isn't any way I could take her away from here, not even if I wanted to. So if that's really your plan, you need to re evaluate. On the other hand, if I'm wrong, if you don't care about her, if you want to hurt her, more deeply than anyone else ever has or ever could, then keep on pushing her away, keep doing what you're doing, if that's what you want."

"It isn't." Kenzi insisted tearfully. So much pain in her expression that it almost made her stop. "I never meant to hurt her, i wasn't trying to." She blurted out. Finally, softly she added. "I do love her, I do care."

Kenzi looked so broken, that Lauren wanted to say 'I know you do,' and hug her. But she couldn't bring herself to drop it, not just yet.

"Then why are you doing this to her? " Lauren asked simply.

Kenzi looked at her then, looked deeply into her eyes, and opened her mouth, as if she was about to say something. Then, suddenly, her face clouded over, and bitterly she said "It doesn't matter anymore. What's done is done. It's too late to take it back."

"It's not too late!" Lauren insisted so vehemently she was almost shouting. "You are very very lucky that it isn't too late. You could have been killed. Then it would have been too late." Lauren can't hide the shake in her own voice as she reflected on just what would have happened if Kenzi had died in that accident. "You might not think so, but you are very lucky to have survived. It's not too late for anything. Bo loves you so much, she wants to understand, she wants to help you." Lauren tried to explain in the best way she knew how. She can see, though, as each word is spoken, that it isn't reaching Kenzi, not in the slightest.

"No." Kenzi said sadly. "You really don't know Bo very well. I broke her trust. I left her. She can't forgive that. She shouldn't, it's unforgivable." Lauren could see that Kenzi believed it, she really believed she had crossed the line, that Bo was done with her. And it was so so very far from the truth that Lauren didn't even know where to start to try and make her see it.

"If I know one thing about Bo, it's her amazing capacity for love, and for forgiveness. You're not the only one who has let her down, who has broken her trust. I've been with Bo almost from the moment you left, she told me the things you said to her, i was with her when she saw the car, when she found out it wasn't an accident, I was with her in the tunnels as she frantically searched for you. Honestly, you did hurt her deeply, and maybe you broke her trust, maybe you made bad choices, but never once did i get any kind of feeling that she couldn't forgive you— all she wanted was to find you and talk to you and make sure you were ok, all she wanted was to make things up to you. I really think if you would just talk to her you would see what i mean. Give her a chance before cutting her off for good."

"You're right." Kenzi agreed. "If i had died, if i had just been gone, after saying all those things to Bo, all those horrible things that weren't true." She paused then to take a breath and try to stop herself from crying. "Then i wouldn't have been able to take it back, to tell her she didn't do anything wrong, she never would have known I didn't mean it, I would have been gone, just gone, i would have hurt her so badly, and just left her, don't you see I broke her trust, I can't fix it, I cant turn back time, I can't take back those words, i can't take back that I left, what I did, I can't fix any of it, it's too late, she won't forgive it, she can't. " Kenzi insisted frantically.

Before Lauren could formulate an answer, they both jumped in surprise as they heard Bo's voice from the doorway. "Why don't you let me decide about that?" 


End file.
